December 31, 2006

Chapter 9: A Holldum Wedding

"Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing..."
-- Chris Isaak

Well you're just looking pleased as punch, aren't you Texas?

"Damn Straight! We're all areddy to git this here weddin' on the road!"

Actually, it's in the garage, so it's not really on the road. But I get your point. Let's get things underway.

So Texas, what's the bridegroom been up to today, while the rest of us were getting the garage spiffed up?

"Oh, I bin a keepin' him busy 'round the house."

So I see...

We did have to do a little furniture rearranging. After all, I don't think Shelby will be too keen on sleeping in a coffin. Not to mention Cleveland doesn't exactly have a casket built for two.

We'll put the vampire receptacle over here. Just in case

"And this, my son, is the legendary WooHoo cake."

"WooHoo cake? Father, are you making this up?"

"Why would I invent something like this? If you and your bride eat of this cake, tonight there will indeed be WooHoo."

"I thought Mother asked you stop using the Noodlehootchie, Father."

"It's true! Look at the decorations!"

"Shelby dear, I'm sorry this is all rather sudden, but..."

"Oh that's okay. Yer Mamma, Miz Texas, has rilly outdun herself wif the food an' all the decorations. It's all rilly sweet. Thanks sweetie."

"You're... ah... welcome."

This was a spontaneous flirt between them. There may be hope for these two yet. *chuckle*

"Awright everybody, places. This here wedding will be unnerway shortly an I done want everything ta be perfik. Kasson, you're underfoot."


"Phemey, you're wearing the same dress as Salina's friend."

"I am not!"

"Cirrus, don't amble. Find a seat."

"Yes Mrs. Holldum."

"Sweetie, tell yer son to quit playin' his game and park it."

"Yes dear."

"And smiles everybody! Smiles!"

Orrin, I think it's time to put the game away and find a seat. There ceremony is going to start soon.

"But I have almost finished. Drat! That colour looks hideous on her. I'll have to try again."

Um, just what the frell are you playing Orrin? *peers* Digital Diva??

"Digital Diva II. It has more options than the original. It will help me in my rise to Evil Overlordomship."

Riiiight. I agree with Texas. It's time for you to park it.

"Come on folks, jes park yerselfs. Cleveland, ya'll 'n Shelby kin start sayin' them vows anytime, ya hear."

"Yes Mother."

For the curious according to the guestbook, attending Cleveland and Shelby's wedding tonight are Eugene Retrorocket and Genesis Lam-Retrorocket (friends of the groom's parents), PT9 and Jenny Smith (friends of the bride and of the groom's parents), Euclid Retrorocket (house brother from college), Kenneth Gast (secret society brother from college), Euphemia Retrorocket (house sister and fiancée of the groom's brother), Salina Holldum (sister of the groom), Cirrus White (house brother and fiancé of the groom's sister), and... er... Keth (friend of the groom's sister)

Citizens of Strangetown, may I kindly introduce you to your newest couple, Cleveland and Shelby Holldum. Congratulations Cleveland. Do you have any words for your friends and family?

"Why does my wife have a green doodad floating over her head?"

Hmm... lets take a look.

Well now, it would seem Shelby married you for your money.


Just kidding. I'm sure she loves you. But she is very excited to have married a wealthy sim. I have the sneaky suspicion I'm going to be buying a lot of foliage in the near future.

"But Shelby is a delivery girl, not a gardener."

Oh, just kiss your bride. I hear your mother stocking the buffet table as we speak.

"Hey Babe, like, who's the babe next to Dad?"

She's... ah... a friend of Salina's.

"I like don't ever remember seeing her at any of our parties cuz I'd like certainly remember her."

Well, she's already graduated so... ah... er... Oh Kasson, why don't you stop your Dad from going face first into his salad? He always hates getting creamy Italian in his goatee. Oh, and Shelby, go grab your husband and cut your wedding cake.

"Strange, Ah have this sudden urge ta run acrost the room and cut mah weddin' cake. Where's my sweetie?"

I really should have stayed to keep on eye on Kasson. Really.

"Shelby, darling, you are... ah... cutting the WooHoo cake."

"WooHoo cake? Sweetie, whatevah are ya tawkin about?"

"Father told me all about it this afternoon."

"Cleveland, this here is our weddin' cake. One of Miz Texas' chefs from her Grill of the Golden West show made it speshul jus fer us."

"But the decorations, the little violet hearts. Father explained what consuming the WooHoo cake means and..."


"Yes dear?"

"Hesh up and eat yer cake."



Hmm... my simmy sense is tingling. Something bad is about to happen...

Remember when I said I should've kept an eye on Kasson? I meant it. Really. What happened next was like a train wreck. I couldn't look away and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I suppose I could've done something to interrupt this whole chain reaction of chaos but, well, I was too busy getting pictures of the whole thing.

It all started when an unsupervised Kasson decided to whistle at the one available woman in the room...

"But Babe! She's..."

If you say 'hawt' I will wound you. Seriously. I... she is not 'hawt'.

While Texas and Waylon didn't seem to mind their son whistling at women he is not engaged to (not like Waylon is aware of much of anything right now), Kasson's antics did not go unnoticed by Euphemia, who reacted with a predictable response.

"Kasson Holldum! Is this how you act when I'm not around?"

"Ow! Phemey!"

"I hate you!"

Cleveland, your future sister in law is bawling her eyes out at your wedding because of something your brother did. And your father is asleep in the first course! Shouldn't you do something?

"Mmm... woohoo cake..."

Well, at least Cirrus cares enough about his house sister to show a little comfort.

"I'm sorry Kasson was such a cad, Euphemia. Don't cry. I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you."

Er, maybe too much comfort.

Wait, did you hear that? That was the sound of a wedding spiraling wildly out of control.

Shelby, your future sister in law is crying her eyes out at your wedding. Shouldn't you be doing something?

::Ah'm impressed. Owr weddin' musta cost Miz Texas a purty penny. Ah do think Ah'm gonna like bein' a Holldum.::

Doesn't anybody else care about poor Euphemia?

Er... okay... I guess Salina cares... but not in a good way.

"Cirrus! How could yoooou!"

"Salina, what do you mean? Your brother was horribly rude to Euphemia, flirting with other women right in front of her. She's my dear friend. I was just trying to comfort her."

"Then how come when I done turned aroun' yer hands were all over 'er. An' don' think I don' see all them little floaty hearts over yer heads. *sawb* "Ah hayte you Cirrus."

Now, in all my years of playing the Sims, I have never seen a sibling or a parent have the "have a fit" reaction at seeing cheating. I've seen kids have it plenty of times when witnessing a parent cheating, but never other family members. As soon as Cirrus started getting cozy with Euphemia, Kasson and Texas started pitching a fit. Kasson was even so wrapped up in his reacting to Cirrus cheating on Salina that he didn't care that it was Euphemia he was cheating with.

Of course, all the fussing and throwing of fits does little to comfort for Salina, who is now crying her eyes out while her fiancé gets cozy with her best friend.

Probably shouldn't have spoken so soon, because who should sidle up to her but her ex-boyfriend (and pseudo-stalker) Euclid.

"Lina love, I'm sorry. I had no idea Cirrus and my sister had that sort of a relationship going on. Is there anything I can do?"

Don't listen to him. I'm sure Cirrus was just being a concerned friend... okay... Maybe he wasn't just being friendly and comforting.

Cirrus, could you keep your hands off Euphemia long enough for Salina to compose herself? Or at least leave the room?

"Oh Lina hon, I'm here for you. You know I've always loved you. I'll make it better."

*sniff* "Aw, Euclid, yer jes the bestest." *snorf*

Euclid, if I didn't know better, I'd accuse you of plotting this, or at least some of it.

See, check out the grin on his face. Don't try to claim innocence in all this Euclid.

"I would never wish heartache on my dear sister, but I will at admit it was an opportunity I could not pass up. A few well placed words, a gentle embrace, and soon Salina will be free to be mine."

Damn, from the look on Cirrus' face I think it's too late to interrupt him with this bit of info about how he's been manipulated.

Ow. She's going to be feeling that in the morning. Things are going to be really ugly back at Cham Annya Hoh for a while I'm afraid.

"Cirrus punkin, I'm so sawrry. Ya know I reellly trooly luv ya."

"Do you? But how long have you and Euphemia's brother been carrying on this little relationship?"

"Euclid an' I hain't dated since high school. I tole him it wuz over when we gots engaged. I could done ask the same thing 'bouts you and Phemey. Were y'all upta sumthin' when I wuz at class?"

"Enough Salina! It's over. You don't trust me. I don't trust you. That's no way to try to rebuild this relationship. So that's it. We're done. Over. No more."

"Gawds Cirrus! Don' say that! I... I... " *sawb* *hiccup*

"I mean it. Please have your ring back. This relationship is over."

Euphemia, I see you back there. Don't you dare be getting ideas from all this. Kasson loves you.

"I am going to say my best wishes to the bride and groom and then Euphemia and I will be leaving. Good night Salina."

"Cirrus!!" *sawb*

But the show wasn't over yet. Euphemia had to get her last words in. I guess she didn't listen to me.

"You cheating bastard. You and your sister are sooo alike. I can't believe she was cheating on Cirrus with my brother, of all people! And you! Trying to pick up women at your own brother's wedding! I just can't believe it!"

"But Phemey!!"

Kasson! Don't you dare! Didn't Texas teach you better than to hit a woman!

"But she slapped me first!"

This is a wedding, not a bar brawl! Let's try to keep the fighting to a minimum.

Good. Euphemia managed to bring things to a halt before they got too physical.

"Oh we are so over Kasson. Here's your ring. You never did buy me the shoes to go with it. I have so had it with you."

Uh oh. That is not the face of a happy man.

"Phemey babe! I sooo love you. I can't lose you."

"You should've thought about that before you started whistling at strange women."

Hey, I... er... Keth may be a bit eccentric but she's hardly strange.

"Can't we like talk about this? Please."

"No! There will be no more talking."

"I am leaving here with Cirrus. I am through with you and your bubbleblower. Just. Leave. Me. Alone."

Eeek. When she makes a face like that, I don't think we want to meet up with Euphemia in a dark alley.

Oh, and in the background, little tiny enemy bubbles are appearing over Cirrus and Salina. *sniff*

"Good night Mr. Holldum. Please give my regards to your wife. She hosts a wonderful wedding. She may wish to be more particular about her guests in the future, however."


And so the out of control train wreck winds to a close.

Could someone get Kasson a stiff drink and hand Salina a tissue? Please?

Oh hey Kenneth. I forgot you were invited. Sorry about all that. I forgot you were madly in love with both Salina and Euphemia. Well, there are plenty of other girls in the secret society for you fall for. Who knows, maybe I'll even set you up with a future heir. Just, head for home now, please. And close that mouth before someone lands a hook in it.

Cleveland's a little peeved about the whole thing too.

"Peeved? You sit back and allow my wedding to turn into a chaotic free for all and you think I'm merely peeved. I..."

Settle down Cleveland. I don't think there's anything you, I, or anybody could've done to stop any of that, once it was underway.

"You could've kept an eye on Kasson."

I figured he could behave himself for five minutes. My bad, all right? On the plus side, despite a number of your friends and family becoming mortal enemies, your wedding wrapped up as a Roof Raiser! Your limo Is waiting outside.


Yes. To take you and Shelby on your honeymoon. See, it's right here... along with a pissy Euphemia.

"Honeymoon? That involves woohoo, doesn't it?"


"Cleveland honey, is you comin'? Don' leave me-a waitin' here."

"Yes dear. Coming dear."

"Ah wonder whut extravagant and exotic place we'll be-a going to?"

Probably once around the block and then back to the upstairs bedroom.

Hey, the twin moons of Strangetown. I've seen screenshots of 'em from other people's games, but this is the first I've actually seen it in mine.

So has everyone cleared out of the wedding hall née garage? Can I go and start cleaning up in there now?

Er, Waylon is still unconscious in his croutons. I guess clean up will have to wait for a little bit.

Euphemia! Vandalism does not become you.

"Curse Kasson, and curse his garbage too."

Hey, what did that trash ever do to you?

"You saw what that..."

Er, I mean the trash in the trash bin.

"Oh, sorry."

And the honeymooning couple returns.

"This here looks an awful lot like Strangetown Cleveland hon. Ah though we was goin' somewhere exotic fer our honeymoon."

"What is more exotic than Strangetown?"

"Ah waz hopin' fer mebbe Paris."

"I'm sorry that Strangetown isn't as exotic as Paris."

"Tha's okay. Ah'm here with you, an' tha's whut matters."

"Welcome home Mrs. Holldum."

"Why thank you Mr. Holldum. It's luvly. *mumble*Could use a bit of fixin' up though.*mumble*"

"Oof. Ah... Er... now what?"

Now you carry Shelby across the threshold. It's tradition for the groom to carry the bride into their new home. Your new bed is all set up upstairs for you.

"Do I have to carry her all the way up there?"

No, across the threshold is good enough.

"Whew. Shelby's not as light as she appears"

Careful when you say that, or there'll be no woohoo for you. Just ask your Dad about it sometime.

"And after that we moved out of the dorms and into this house we rented. Then Kasson got this bright idea to form a..."

"Sweetie, Ah don' think this is what married folks usually be doin their first night tagither."

"Er, it's not?"

Shelby, you might have to help him along with this one.

"Cleveland, I seem to be hearin' this little voice tellin' me ya might be needin' a little direction here."

"So you hear it too? Then you..."

"Hesh. Put yer hand right... here..."

"Oh! Yes dear!"

Let's give them a little privacy, shall we?

Aw, what's wrong Kasson? Like I have to ask.

"My world is like fallin' apart here Babe. I whistle at one pretty girl and like suddenly I'm the bad guy. Phemey leaves me for Lina's boyfriend. I've got no job and no girl and no bubbleblower and I'm livin' at home with my folks who run around in their underwear and woohoo in strange places and...


"Aw gawd, and I'm like fat now too. Can things git worse?"

Tell ya what. Why don't you go over and turn on FitSimTV. I'm sure a little exercise will help wear off some of that stress.

And what are you up to Texas?

"I'm done posting all about tha weddin' on mah GoGW Blog. Mah fans have bin follerin' all along with it."

GoGW Blog?

"Yeah, mah Grill Of the Golden West blog over on tha YummyChannel.sim. All of us Yummy Channel stars done have blogs up there."

I see. Well, don't let me interrupt then. Lets take a peek in on the lovebirds.

"Sweetie, that wuz jus wunnerful. Ah coulda sworn Ah even heard music. Honey? Cleveland?"

Don't worry about him Shelby. That's just his OCD kicking in. He'll be fine once he gets done making the bed. So, music huh? That was quick. I guess the next little Holldum is on the way.

Despite being a wealth sim, Shelby spun up the "have a baby want" right after getting married. Cleveland? After getting hitched and woohoo, what want does he spin up? "Get a puppy." How about generation 3 instead?

"Ew, Ah married that? But he's so han'some in his suit an' his jeans fit him so... ah..."

What, does Cleveland have bed head? Does his OCD turn you off that bad? I mean, I know you don't have a lot of attraction for him but I never expected to get the "ewww" face when I directed you to go kiss him.

Er... okay... maybe I can understand the ew face. Oy. When did you pack on the spare tire Cleveland? Get yourself downstairs and join your brother in front of FitSimTV. Misery loves company.

So we leave our heir and the spare, trying to work off the pudge they've earned in the short time they've been home from college.

And finally, I suppose might want to go and wake up Waylon. He's been up to his eyes in iceberg all night. Well... Maybe that'll wait til next chapter. Old folks need their sleep, and those elder years are creeping up on Texas and Waylon fast. Until the next chapter then!

And so Onward! to Chapter 10: No no drama. We don't want no drama