Chapter 28: Pre-Wedding Chaos

Pre-Wedding Chaos

Somebody is still a little T'ed off at me over his cheese-free Time Out. I tried to explain to him that I honestly forgot to put the light in there, but he's not buying it. (I forget to install lights in my sim houses all the time, which is embarrassing because lights were part of my job when I was an electrician's assistant during college)

So we'll just leave him to pout and make rude gestures...

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And head over to someplace where organized chaos is slowly starting instead. This is going to be a long and painful set of chapters to write I think.

Everyone got your flak jackets and hard hats? Good, lets head inside.

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Hey Kasson, how goes the house hunting? Moving on to blueprints now I see?

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"Do I look like mah idjit boy chile ta ya'll?"

Er, sorry Texas. No, you don't look like Kasson. And you know, it really isn't nice to be calling him that.

"Well, he has done gotten better since he quit hangin out at all them dens of iniquity like he were when he were in college."

I don't think a bubbleblower salon qualifies as a den of iniquity.

"An' them popperotzits hain't caught him in no comperizing positions lately neither. Yer right Keth, he has shaped up and done done right fer himself. Now if him and Salina would jes git ta makin me some granchillins."

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*sigh* So where is he? And why are you reading through all his floor plans?

"Oh he's done hidin out upstairs with the rest of the menfolk. Salina's clean took over the downstairs here ta git ready fer her weddin tanight. Made me realize jes how small our here place is. Which is why I'ma lookin through all the idj... er, all his bluerprints an stuff."

Yeah, the house is a tad haphazard. Maybe when everything settles down we can work on rebuilding. So how's preparations for the wedding been going?

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"Well Salina done chased me outta the room every time she was a meetin wit her weddin planner, but she done did finally give me the okey dokey ta be fixin the vittles for the whole shindig. She shore is gonna be sur-prised at what I done cooked up for her."

Please Texas, tell me you're not having your chefs from the test kitchen use your daughter's wedding reception like a taste panel.

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"Oh no no. I done feel mighty privileged about what I got goin on fer my daughter's weddin. Ya see, I was talkin ta the kitchen producer over at tha Yummy Channel about what I was a plannin and Bertha duBois done piped up and volunteered her fancy pants gourmet chefs ta done help out. See, she's on leave agin an..."

What'd she set on fire this time?

"A whole pot of Emmentaler, right smack in tha middle of her live 'Faboo Fondue' episode. She ain't doin no more shows until her hair grows back so her chefs were jes a sittin abouy wit nuthin ta do. So she done lended me her folks to help me whip one right snazzy boo-fay fer Lina's weddin."

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"In fact, we's done gone clean all out in gittin ready fer it. Would ya like a quick sneaky peak?"

Sure Texas, we'd love that.

"Well hang on ta yer britches then, an I'll give y'all the whirlwind tour."

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"Lina's weddin planner has completely done over the party barn. Lina was kinda keen on using white and pale yeller and a kinda soft pink fer her colors, an I think her done did a purty good job of fittin 'em all in tagither.

"C'mon. Let's go an take a look inside."

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"Bertha duBois' folks sure did go all out, didn't they? They even did up one of them there fancy ice sculptures. A'course, it woulda been nice if they'd done stuck wif the colours Lina wanted, but ya know what they say 'bout lookin a gift hoss in the mouth. They'll spit on ya."

Actually, I think that's llamas, Texas.

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"Anyhoo, mah guys from Grill of the Golden West couldn't let Bertha's folks show them up, so they done whipped a spread too. An' stuck wif the colours Lina picked out too. Y'all also notice my guys done put out more of a spread too. They even remembered ta put out some dessert too, unlike Bertha's fancy pants chefs.

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"Lina's weddin planner was real big on this 'shimmy tree' stuff..."

I think you mean 'symmetry', Texas.

"If that means lookin the same on both sides, then yeah, that's it. She set up the cake tables on each side of tha room ta look purt near identical. This here is Lina's side with the weddin cake...

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"An this here one is Cirrus' with the groom's cake."

I always thought the groom's cake was supposed to be chocolate. At least it always was at the weddings I've been to.

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"Dunno. My Grill of the Golden West folks didna make neither of the cakes. Lina got 'em from some little bakery over at tha resort town on tha lake. I think they done a real nice job wit makin Cirrus' cake look not too froufrou.

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"Tha weddin cake looks all nice and frilly and flowery jes like a weddin cake done should. A'int it purdy? Now I jes need ta keep Waylon away from it afore he starts rattlin on about it being a 'woohoo' cake and whatall. I swear, I hear one peep from him about it a-bein a 'woohoo' cake an' he won't be a gittin any woohoo fer a while.

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"An finally tha pièce de résistance of tha whole thing..."

*chuckles* That's some fancy language you're throwing around there.

"Heh. Surprised ya, didn't I? Cookin is an international language ya know. Anyhoo, this here's the focus of tha whole weddin. Tha weddin arch an tha seatin. After Lina's done wit her vows, the chairs can done be rearranged an some nifty lil tables brought out fer the receptions. Ya c'aint see it, but there's a bar over ta tha left too."

And what would a wedding without a bar. Hopefully an open one... those are the best *smirk*

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"I know what yer sayin. After all this I could go fer a beer myself. We's bin goin plumb crazy gittin ready. What with all the fittins and the pichurs and the dechorators runnin all about. I'm about ready ta go hide out wit tha guys upstairs. But I figger I need ta be here ta lend mortal serport ta Lina while she's a gittin ready."

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Don't you mean "moral support"?

"Not if anything more goes wrong tanight. Lina's purt near ready ta have a heart attack as is. First her weddin planner was called outta town fer a hemergency and then her hair stylist done developed a terminal hangnail."

Terminal hangnail? I'm not sure I want to know.

"Well, her stylist recommended this here guy what's in a workin on her now. Calls himself somethin funny like 'Zhon Ray Nay'"

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Hmm... might it be something like 'Jean Rene'?

"You got it there. Yeah, I think he's furrin or something. He's got this funny accent.

Does he know what he's doing?

"Oh yeah. Diana, Lina's regular hairdresser, done left a whole buncha pichurs and instructions and stuff fer him. She were right awful sorry she couldn't do Lina up herself an..."

"MAMA!!!!"

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"Oh dear, I do think my soon-ta-be-married chile is done having a crisis. Mama's comin punkin."

Better hurry there Texas. That didn't sound good.

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"MAMA! Look what he done did with mah hair! I c'aint git married lookin like this!"

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"Bah. She iz getting married today, no? She needs a hairstyle zat vill say to her huzband and zose in attendance 'I am beautiful. I am a goddess.' Zees is zat hairstyle. It has ze je ne sais quoi zees wedding needs."

"An what goddess am I done supposed ta be? The goddess of clowns?"

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Um, excuse me. Can we talk?

"Vat? Vill you be placing demands on ze amazing Jean Rene too? Who are vous to talk to moi? I am ze finest hair stylist in any of ze salons in zees pathetic town."

I... ah... kinda have the last word in a lot of this stuff. I'm just curious. You're... not really French, are you?

"Pardon? Moi? Of course I am French..."

No, no, that's a really bad accent. I'm pretty sure you're not French.

"As I was saying, madame, I am French-Canadien..."

And I'm pretty sure that's not a quebecois accent I'm hearing either. I'm not sure what I'm hearing, or just what you are, but I'm pretty sure you're not any variety of French I know of.

"Grrr... you doubt ze word of Jean Rene, ze première stylist of le ville étrange? I..."

Put a cork in it Frenchie. You've got hair to fix.

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"Mama! Mah whole weddin day is ruined. I can't git married like this. I done clash wit mah wedding colors. What am I done gonna do?"

"Don't you worry none punkin. You jes let Mama talk ta this here feller."

*gulp*

Yeah, I'd be worried if I were you 'Jean Rene'. *snicker*

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[This section has been censored in an attempt to keep profanity nonexistent, or at least to a minimum, in this chapter. Any faithful reader of Texas' tale, however, knows that Texas is pretty formidable when she's all riled up and's got a full head of steam... like she does now.]

"Merde."

You got it, 'Jean Rene'.

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"Aw Mama, you done made him cry."

"Well that's what he gits fer tusslin wit a Holldum. Teach him ta go messin around wit mah punkin's hair jes a few hours afore she's done ta be gittin married. Now set yerself back down there..."

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"Mr. Zhon Ray Nay is gonna fix yer hair up jes like Diana planned it. She didn't leave all them pichurs and instructions an stuff fer us jes ta look at.

"An I'm a gonna stand here an stare at him till he does."

"Thanks Mama."

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"Zere. C'est magnifique. Exactly as Madame Diana planned. Zome of my best work, certainly."

"Is it really okay Keth? I don't wanna look in the mirror and see a clown lookin back agin."

It's perfect Salina. Just like in your wedding photos.

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"Yer right Keth. It shore is jes like mah weddin pichurs."

"Of course it is magnifique. I am magnifique. Am I not Jean Rene, the..."

Oh put a sock in it. I sure hope your wedding dress fits Salina. That towel makes it look like you've packed on a few pounds.

"Ya'll know that's jes the camera. It done adds ten or twenny pounds ya know."

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"Well, ya done done it right in the end, Mr Ray Nay, jes like Diana and I planned. So I gotta thank fer fixin mah hair. Now if ya could jes scat, else I'll have ta ask Mama to h'escort ya outta here."

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"But of course mon petit. And ze celebrated Jean Rene is gone -- fffft! -- like ze wind."

::whispering:: And damn glad to be gone.::

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You know what I think 'Jean Rene'?

"Moi does not care vat Madame thinks. Leave me, so I may dream of my next masterpiece."

I was thinking... you're not really French, and you're definitely not from Canada. You're probably from some trailer park down the highway a ways who figured that putting on some foreign airs might score you some more business. You probably have some boring name like Gene or Randy.

"It's John Raymond and I paid good money to have those records erased... er... vat moi meant was..."

So that's the truth of it. Don't worry, I'll keep it under wraps. Now head on outta here.

"As I said, Jean Rene, he iz ze wind."

Yeah yeah, break like the wind. Just get gone.

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And the time we've all been waiting for has arrived. Salina's steeling herself to pick up the phone and invite everyone over for her wedding. Will everything go smoother than at her brother's wedding? You'll just have to tune in to the next chapter to find out...

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